Goals Met
- Write another original song. I wrote two! They're both about quietly lost friendships, in line with a song that's been stuck in my head quite a bit recently: Julia Nunes' "Fair Weather," from her album, "Settle Down."
- Start driving. I drove around a parking lot near my house for about half an hour yesterday. It's not much, and it's actually something I've done before (last year, pre-permit). It was unpleasant, but, as much as I love public transport, it doesn't go everywhere, and I'm going to need to learn how to drive at some point. After another jaunt around the parking lot, I may feel ready to take to the streets.
Goals Met... Sorta
- Actually do a cover this time! So, no, I did not put a cover up on my channel, but I spent so much time trying to decide what song to cover, and practicing all the songs I was considering, that it actually started to hurt my voice. After I realized I had sung myself to a sore throat, I decided to just give it a rest and let this goal go for a few days. I may try it again this evening, but I'm taking the pressure off for my voice's sake.
- Continue reading for fun! I'm about five pages into The Book Thief. At least I've got my next book picked out, right? I may actually pause that one (though I've barely started it) for the sake of reading A Movable Feast to decide whether or not I should give it to a friend preparing to fly to France for a year abroad.
In other news, it's raining! During the summer! I'm drinking a hot coffee in the coffee shop and it's been drizzling since last night! It's great.
But, speaking of last night, let's get personal: I get panicky. I get anxious. Yesterday, I put words to something I regularly panic about. I worry that my current decisions are setting me up for future regret. I'm trying to take care of Future Violet by avoiding commitments at a young age, but that just makes me indecisive and nervous, and it's pretty stupid to think I can avoid making decisions now. Besides, as many people have said: Indecision is a decision, and I'll likely regret choosing not to make choices more than I'll regret those choices. I have a lot of trouble living in the moment, and I often panic about the future, and try to think very seriously (too seriously) about my decisions - to the point that I get too nervous and just end up sitting alone, marathoning TV shows, and cheating myself out of experiences that I'll probably regret not having when I get older.
Fear of making the wrong choices --> not making choices.
Taking decisions too seriously --> putting off those decisions because I'm not sure enough --> losing the chance to make those decisions, because the opportunities pass.
BUT, trying not to take decisions too seriously --> fear that I'm not taking them seriously enough --> fear that I'm being just as lazy and paralyzed by fear and indecision as I was when I was obsessing about making THE ABSOLUTE CORRECT CHOICE, but just in a different way.
Either I'm careless from the get-go, or I panic and then resort to carelessness. I feel guilty when I take on an "oh, fuck it" attitude, but I panic when I don't.
Does that make any sense? Probably not, but there are only five of you, so I doubt anyone will read this, much less judge me for a nonsensical rant, right?
Right.
New Goals
- Make a tough decision. Even if it's "dye your hair," even if it's "buy a new dress," even if it's "throw out old clothes," I should try more often to push myself to make a slightly-bigger-than-comfortable choice with real consequences, or do something I've been considering for a while.
- Draw something and post it to tumblr. Worst case scenario, it'll get stolen and made fun of. But that just means I can't delete it, or else I have less claim that I drew it originally and I'll have caved to anon insults. Best case scenario, people like it and I feel more confident in my artistic abilities.
- Write a short story or short screenplay. I started a screenplay last summer, and never finished it. I don't really plan to finish it right now, but I'd like to work on something longer than the things I've been writing on this writing blog my friend and I made.
- Send the letters and packages I always mean to send and never get around to sending. That means: send my grandparents down South letters and pictures, send my friend up North the scarf and gloves I bought her for Christmas, send my boyfriend the mug I need to fix and the mix CD I've been working on making out of all the new music I've been listening to (like this song by Ball Park Music), and put some real effort into those letters and cards.
This seems like it'll be a pretty introspective week, but it's ending in a party for a friend of mine and a reunion with several other friends, so hopefully it'll also be a fun one.
Wishing you all the best.
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