Summer's ending

School starts back up again this upcoming week, and I start taking classes I'm nervous about.

If I struggle through a science class, but end up doing well, I'm dedicated and hardworking.
If the same is true in an art class, I'm untalented.
Art is viewed as natural talent, not as skill that must be taught.
This complaint has been made over and over again, so I won't talk about it much more, but I'll add that it's on my mind because I'm scared of doing poorly in my art classes this quarter. What if I'm not good at design? What if it's just not for me?

I moved into my apartment at the beginning of September. As of yesterday, all three of my roommates are here, too. I wish I could decorate it as I want to, but I don't have the money, or, ultimately, the say. It's not just my apartment, after all.

I have a radio show now. I'm officially a college radio DJ. The station's programming department has asked me to extend my show for another hour for various reasons, and, while I'm worried about giving up too much sleep to the station and pulling two hours of music every week, I also have to admit that the hour seemed to fly by last week, in spite of my running out of music to play and mispronouncing a basic French word.

Have a nice week!

Oops! (Summer Week 9 - Sorta)

Week 9 isn't over yet!
So, I didn't post. I did a lot this week! I've been drawing a ton, I went to a going-away party, I saw some visiting friends, I went running for the first time in two months... But, on Tuesday, I didn't have anything going on. I could have posted. I just didn't.

Goals Met

• Draw something and post it to tumblr. I posted drawings three different times, and I'm going to keep doing it! My posts got one note each at first (from my boyfriend liking them because he's the sweetest), and then friends started seeing them and liking them, and the note counts went up higher! I'm feeling pretty okay!
• Make a tough decision. I'm not going to go into much detail, but making plans for myself (about visiting people, going on road trips - or not) has been hard, and I'm trying to do that. What's more, I decided to swim at my friend's party. That meant wearing a swimsuit. Sure, I felt self conscious... But I did it!

Goals Met... Sorta

• Send the letters and packages I always mean to send and never get around to sending. I started writing a letter. That counts a little, right?

Goals Not Actually Met At All

• Write a short story or short screenplay. This one didn't even happen a little bit.

New Goals

• Keep drawing and doing art-y things. The week's almost over. I'm tired and warm and sweaty. I wanna keep drawing. That's all I'm feeling up to today.

Summer Rain, Sore Throats, Summer Week 8

This week went a little bit better. I'll take 50% success as a personal victory after all my recent errors.

Goals Met

• Write another original song. I wrote two! They're both about quietly lost friendships, in line with a song that's been stuck in my head quite a bit recently: Julia Nunes' "Fair Weather," from her album, "Settle Down."
• Start driving. I drove around a parking lot near my house for about half an hour yesterday. It's not much, and it's actually something I've done before (last year, pre-permit). It was unpleasant, but, as much as I love public transport, it doesn't go everywhere, and I'm going to need to learn how to drive at some point. After another jaunt around the parking lot, I may feel ready to take to the streets.

Goals Met... Sorta

• Actually do a cover this time! So, no, I did not put a cover up on my channel, but I spent so much time trying to decide what song to cover, and practicing all the songs I was considering, that it actually started to hurt my voice. After I realized I had sung myself to a sore throat, I decided to just give it a rest and let this goal go for a few days. I may try it again this evening, but I'm taking the pressure off for my voice's sake.
• Continue reading for fun! I'm about five pages into The Book Thief. At least I've got my next book picked out, right? I may actually pause that one (though I've barely started it) for the sake of reading A Movable Feast to decide whether or not I should give it to a friend preparing to fly to France for a year abroad.

In other news, it's raining! During the summer! I'm drinking a hot coffee in the coffee shop and it's been drizzling since last night! It's great.

But, speaking of last night, let's get personal: I get panicky. I get anxious. Yesterday, I put words to something I regularly panic about. I worry that my current decisions are setting me up for future regret. I'm trying to take care of Future Violet by avoiding commitments at a young age, but that just makes me indecisive and nervous, and it's pretty stupid to think I can avoid making decisions now. Besides, as many people have said: Indecision is a decision, and I'll likely regret choosing not to make choices more than I'll regret those choices. I have a lot of trouble living in the moment, and I often panic about the future, and try to think very seriously (too seriously) about my decisions - to the point that I get too nervous and just end up sitting alone, marathoning TV shows, and cheating myself out of experiences that I'll probably regret not having when I get older.

Fear of making the wrong choices --> not making choices.

Taking decisions too seriously --> putting off those decisions because I'm not sure enough --> losing the chance to make those decisions, because the opportunities pass.

BUT, trying not to take decisions too seriously --> fear that I'm not taking them seriously enough --> fear that I'm being just as lazy and paralyzed by fear and indecision as I was when I was obsessing about making THE ABSOLUTE CORRECT CHOICE, but just in a different way.

Either I'm careless from the get-go, or I panic and then resort to carelessness. I feel guilty when I take on an "oh, fuck it" attitude, but I panic when I don't.

Does that make any sense? Probably not, but there are only five of you, so I doubt anyone will read this, much less judge me for a nonsensical rant, right?

Right.

New Goals

• Make a tough decision. Even if it's "dye your hair," even if it's "buy a new dress," even if it's "throw out old clothes," I should try more often to push myself to make a slightly-bigger-than-comfortable choice with real consequences, or do something I've been considering for a while.
• Draw something and post it to tumblr. Worst case scenario, it'll get stolen and made fun of. But that just means I can't delete it, or else I have less claim that I drew it originally and I'll have caved to anon insults. Best case scenario, people like it and I feel more confident in my artistic abilities.
• Write a short story or short screenplay. I started a screenplay last summer, and never finished it. I don't really plan to finish it right now, but I'd like to work on something longer than the things I've been writing on this writing blog my friend and I made.
• Send the letters and packages I always mean to send and never get around to sending. That means: send my grandparents down South letters and pictures, send my friend up North the scarf and gloves I bought her for Christmas, send my boyfriend the mug I need to fix and the mix CD I've been working on making out of all the new music I've been listening to (like this song by Ball Park Music), and put some real effort into those letters and cards.

This seems like it'll be a pretty introspective week, but it's ending in a party for a friend of mine and a reunion with several other friends, so hopefully it'll also be a fun one.

Wishing you all the best.

Summer Weeks 6 and 7? Oops!

I planned my comic, but did nothing else... Except get my permit! That makes it okay that I didn't meet any of my other goals and that I skipped a week, right? Right?

I've also been finding a ton of new music on Spotify, and I'm once more considering a Music Wednesdays kind of thing, but, seeing as that lasted for one post last time I considered it, we'll see how it goes.

So... New goals, right? New goals.

New Goals

• Actually do a cover this time! Maybe a Julia Nunes song. Maybe an old song. Maybe a Ke$ha song. Maybe an original song instead of a cover...
• Write another original song. I wrote one a week or two ago, and I want to keep that going.
• Start driving. I've got my permit... Time to use it!
• Continue reading for fun! I want to try not to fall back out of that habit now that I've gotten into it again.

Failed-ish Plans (Summer Week 5)

I thought I'd get those last three goals done. I really did. Instead, I finished Orange is the New Black, actually did read the fun book I'd planned to read weeks ago, went on a short hike in sandals with one-inch heels, got lost on said hike, hung out with friends (Two consecutive days of socializing! Summer record!), spent time with someone I love, and went to lap swim. So, while I didn't accomplish much from my list, I did do a lot of things that were arguably more enjoyable.

Goals Met

• Actually do something creative. I started working on ideas for a comic I'd like to finish by the end of the summer, at the latest. I'm thinking it'll be about hometowns.

Goals Met... Sorta

• Try making sorbet. If I made a smoothie that included peaches, does that count? I think it sort of counts.

Goals Not Actually Met At All

• Start studying for my driving test. I haven't started studying for it at all, but I'm still planning to take it this upcoming week. I'm sure the deadline will make me get started soon...

New Goals

• Test out furniture renovation ideas (at least one). Using old bed boards and the backs of broken IKEA dresser drawers, I'd like to give plastering a map to wood a try, as well as painting on designs using carefully applied painters' tape. Maybe I'll try out an ombre print, as well. I'm hoping to achieve the desired results at least well enough to decide if I want to try them again on actual pieces of furniture.
• Write out and make significant progress in planning the aforementioned comic. Once I've got this part down, I just have to do the actual drawing... Which is a terrifying idea.
• Get new art supplies... to replace, for example, the pens I bought just a few months ago, which are practically dry now. Without pens, how can I make a comic?
• Do a new cover. Any song suggestions?
• Do all this by Tuesday, the 22nd, to get these posts back on track. Last week's late post sort of messed up this week's posting schedule, so I'm giving myself a shorter deadline to make myself post closer to the beginning of the week again.

Wish me luck!

Failed Plans - part 2 (Summer Week 4)

So, I didn't do anything from last week's list of goals... But yesterday was my birthday, and I was visiting my boyfriend for three days, and, before that, I was lazy. I'm just going to go ahead and tell myself that not just the first two are good reasons, but that all of them are. Okay? Okay.

New Goals

• Try making sorbet. I've been playing around with my mom's blender a lot lately, and I could have sworn I saw a recipe for peach sorbet that required just peaches, honey, and a blender...
• Start studying for my driving test. After one or two years of putting off getting my license, I'm hoping to finally do it this summer. I'm aiming to take the permit test within the next two weeks, and then practice driving for at least a month before going back to get my license. Then, it's road trip time.
• Actually do something creative. Beyond the occasional doodle and those ten portraits from week(s) one (and two), I haven't really done any of the artistic things I spent the last few weeks of school dreaming about. Maybe I'll paint a chair, or my desk. Maybe I'll plaster a map to a chair. Or my desk. Maybe I'll draw a huge, detailed portrait. Maybe I'll finally learn how to draw mouths.

Since the week's already begun, I'm leaving it at three relatively small goals, but I'm sure I'll still have trouble meeting them now that I've started to get really into Orange Is The New Black. If I keep having trouble streaming it for more than 4 seconds without lag, though, I might just end up doing more, or going back and meeting last week's goals, as well.